Rearview Mirror
I went out tonight.
On the drive home in the dark my mind went back to life before.
Before him, actually, I remember. There was him
BC and AD
And nothing in between.
I mean where the should I really even start.
It was me …
God, I was alive and you were there and the music played and the stars stood still and they watched while I danced and played under unabashed skies … the moon my guide
And the music played.
I could almost feel the fire colliding with the crisp night air, recalling the moment … when you held my hand at that September fair
No one was there
Me and you … those piercing eyes … the way they moved, slowly, deeply, to the center of my soul, waking me up, waking me slow …
Loving every part.
But was it me?
I don't know
The whole of me, divided by three, split forever
'til again it's me.
Is it me?
I want to ask. But am I honest? I don't know.
And if I'm me ...
Hurt me please
And when it hurts, hurt me more.
I feel it now, so get your gun … aim at the heart, misery done;
But I run
Heart still beating,
Take my breath, this air I breathe; pain undone;
But I run
Barely breathing, but breathing still
Almost dying so many times.
Ejecting here is state-of-the-art
Life reversing all that was
Moments gone, memories erased
A complete re done.
I can feel it coming again
now, no
I go
Like we're in the car, and both in drive
and the speed is good
and North is good
and the radio's on
And out of nowhere we run over a damn cat named Mittens. What the is going on
What the was that
I'm spooked to the core
Get out of the car
We pull the cat to the side of the road, to name him, to give him a proper roadside burial,
this tiny little kitten just following its mother into the woods
It's a very nice service.
We're very nice people.
But, we just ran over a damn kitten
It's shaking, its brains are bleeding out of its ears
And mother cat is watching us. Just sitting there watching us
What the are we doing
God.
We bashed in this poor kitten's brains with a Chevy Suburban going full speed under unforgiving skies, the moon and the stars,
all horrified
and now its mother, just looking at us
Get back in.
Turn the car around, and please,
Go full speed in the opposite direction
I need to go back.
My fist in the rearview mirror.
A small cut on my hand … that held your hand at that September fair
I can't see
There's no rearview mirror
But there's music
Oh so faint
In all your rage, you forgot to turn off the music?
Can you hear it?
I can't hear it; I only hear ghosts; the sound of ghosts trapped inside, ripping flesh off the walls of my mind
But I think I hear it
Music. Oh sweet music
I can't open my eyes; I'm buried so deep
I barely survived
Did I?
I'm falling
Down, down, spiraling
Can't open my eyes,
Falling,
Chin down, head back, head to the side, head down,
Eyes closed
I died.
So many times, I died.
It was me.
I was the one,
clawing my way out from the depths to the center of the earth under which I was buried
every
single
song
And now I'm here
I don't know if I can stay; I don't know how
Tell me.
Tell me how to stay.
Don't bury me, because you bury me every single time.
You don't even know you do it
I'm never on your mind …
Although you do, and I am,
Except you don't, and I don't really know if I am
Like I didn't think of them,
or me,
You're punishing me
Except I don't think you are …
God
Why does it feel like you are?
I need to go back
But they’re there when I'm back
I'm trapped
And that damn cat.
They're all there
Black leather and tinted glass
I can't remember the last Catholic mass
Windows down
City lights of my hometown
Chicago …
I open my eyes
The moon, my guide
It will never be done …
I'm chasing the sun
Is fate just chance?
It's not
It's forever …
a dance.
Nicole Brooks. February 8, 2020