Divine Formation

“You're disposable,”

at least that’s what I've been told

I'm often wondering, if truth be told 

you know I've felt this feeling

a hundred times before 

so what's to say I won't

with one more

do you ever think about it?

or wonder what you'll feel 

when I'm standing at the door

saying goodbye

with a sad half smile

babe,

it's not for awhile and you watch 

me walk out the door

forever

to another

tell me I mean more

open up the door

like you do in our dreams

babe,

you've met me there before

it's no secret

you've followed me there before

I'm running there now

fast 

I'm not dreaming 

afraid I won't find you

what if I ask

will you follow me now?

please I know better

you can't

are you sitting there frozen

ego’s in charge

or is it more 

than all those times before and

the music we made, now

never more

feel it to the core but

don't let me know

you can't

your shadow's banging down the door

what would they say

do you ever think about it?

or wonder if they’ll understand, will

they look at you and say

it's the work,

babe

you've felt this feeling

a hundred times before

it's what you signed up for

did you ever think about it?

really, we talked about it

I know you'll feel this feeling

with one more

start over, babe

and

do it like you did before

there will always be one more

and, don't you remember

babe

this dream was never yours

we've got ours

remember?

or 

maybe they won't and

you'll be standing at the door

watching the sun 

'cause you know I'm chasing the sun

and

waiting for nightfall

'cause you know it's where I fall

when I'm falling apart

thinking of you

'cause I never knew

anyone but you

it was always you and 

always him, a thousand men,

always them

, never me

and the feeling's the same

never new;

I never knew

my heart and soul

a reflection of you

always a reflection of you

made untrue

but 'til then true

so I've walked away and 

I wonder babe,

are you standing at the door?

now the sun is setting and 

the moon it's

chasing

that guided my dreams

discovered too late 

I'm mourning my fate

alone and 

no one's here

alone in my dreams

it's only me

wondering

are you disappointed in me?

I want to walk on the sun, Lord

I need you to

redeem me once more

can you

lie me on my back and

one day

I need it to be now

one day

to judge me and

tell me I did okay

tell me, was it what we talked about?

before I was born

when we planned it all out

when I walked on the sun with you, Lord

we planned it all out and

I'm trying to get back

I'm chasing the sun

I need to go back

God I wonder 

if you'll let me go back

I did my best

but I didn't, I'm lying like the rest

of 'em

I tried but I couldn't

I couldn't love him more than I did

before

I sat by the water and saw

the light of the sun reflect in the

water the

glistening sun

the sun that we walked on

stunning

I was waiting

perfection

it was coming

but day was fading

and night was falling and

the sun was playing and

leaping through clouds and dancing out loud and

hiding from me, then surprising me

a beautiful painting

the sun did that for me

disappearing now

you're leaving me now

why are you leaving me?

I can't see now

radiance gone and 

love withdrawn

I'm scared of the dark, Lord

why do you do this to me?

there's no one around

no one but him

why is it him

I couldn't love him

I tried,

Lord

I tried

God I tried

but I'm lying to you, I didn't

I didn't want to try

I only wanted the sun, a

perfect paradise

where we walked before

and I can't help but think

one day you'll surprise

me

a brilliant disguise

so I wait

nothing less than my sun

I wait

a feeling so elite I'm longing for

the pride of your fleet

dreaming of tomorrow because tomorrow might be

the day you return with my sun

the sun we walked on

now

out of hiding and

shining and

beams of light glistening

in the water like lightning

lighting me up, 

it's shining

it's stunning

nothing less will do

oh I dream of tomorrow

goodnight,

you whisper

when night is done I'm coming back for you

I smile, your promise to me, I smile, I am beaming but I'm dreaming 

tomorrow you're coming and you'll welcome me back

Pride 

get off of this cloud

I need this night to be through

waiting for day

I need the shine to stay

I need you to see me

on top of this cloud

where I said we'd meet

when my chores were through

part of me knows 

I'll see that look on your face

God I'm sorry

I just couldn't do it

everyone's praying

a divine intercession

I tried to love, Lord

God

what did I do

someone told me I could

throw him away, he's

disposable, he said, someone you made

he lied to me, Lord

and the lies they stayed

God

there are so many of you

I couldn't remember which one was 

you

all I remembered

when I was standing at the door

I told myself

I can find you anywhere,

isn't that what you said?

I couldn't remember all that you said

I tried so hard but I couldn't remember

what made it you

and then I remembered

it's not

you

, it's me and

that's the point

but 

you're the point

of course it's you

I couldn't remember

so you woke me in the dead of night

and told me it was you

so many times I looked in your eyes and

wanted it to be you

did I ever ask

if you could taste my skin 

my lips on your soul

and if

you're here with me now, 

help me lose control

oh, you say

I'm here with you now

my head is in your hands while you look at me and say

focus on me

I'm trying babe, I'm trying, and my head is in your hands, it's not real but I'm trying

I don't know what is real

are we still in the dream

no,

look again, and

tell me what you see.

music and

prose

a beautiful 

poem

words unplanned in a one man band

ink on sand,

written in water

glistening,

my head is in your hands

I'm walking on the sun

and it shines on water and

we're standing together

reflected in the water

a work of art

it's mine

a creation that's 

ours

GREEN eyes unveiled 

in the water

looking back at me

staring back at me from the glistening water

it's stunning

it's you

oh my God 

I can see you

you smile at me

you're smiling at me 

and

it's not a half smile and

it's not for awhile

please don't move I'll

shut out the world for you

I'm squinting so hard

the noise, God, shut out the noise

I breathe

it wells in my throat

I swallow, again

I breathe

I breathe in

from the depths of my soul I breathe in

tears streaming inside 

I'm squinting so hard

are you reaching for me like I'm reaching for you

this holy space you're 

holding me now

I breathe in

it's you, 

I see

a perfect mirror in front of me,

it's me,

a vision of him 'til the day I see 

and suddenly 

he's 

a reflection of me

I've done to him 

so

I've done to me

did you think of that

when you created me?

a brilliant disguise

coming back to me

wherever I go

whoever I meet

I can make you appear

right in front of me 

you've always been here

I just couldn't see;

a mystery to me

did you think of that

when you created me?

is that what we planned

when we walked on the sun

a perfect paradise

I've lived without

oh

you breathe out,

shall we begin?

yes,

oh yes,

Lord,

I breathe in . . .

February 18, 2020. Nicole Brooks

When I stopped seeing the ideal and allowed the ideal to see me.